you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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