our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
