Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
