Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
