I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
only you would photoshop your dick
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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