the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
