im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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