he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
did you just send me my own nude
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
