you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
