My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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