Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
