I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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