i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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