...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
