At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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