they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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