If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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