i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
