New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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