I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
