I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
