remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
