It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
