i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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