He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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