I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
