ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
