3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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