And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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