My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
