the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
