So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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