mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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