he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
