I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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