he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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