Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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