Need sex. Gaining weight.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
