Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
