I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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