He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
