Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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