I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
