I wish my penis had an off switch
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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