Did you just see the Batmobile???
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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