Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
