We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
