I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i permit you to call me
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
