im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
