I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
