My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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