his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
