There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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