i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
