We won't sleep together?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
