I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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